Frank: Welcome, welcome! Welcome to the 15th National Insanity Baseball Tournament! I’m Frank, and once again, welcome to the Finals of the Insanity Baseball Tournament! The two teams that have reached the finals have slaughtered many other teams to reach this stage of the tournament, and have gone through gruelling trials, so let’s give a hand for the two teams that are going to participate in this Grand Finale!
Frank: On the left dugout, we have the team Heroes, who have managed to defeat the favourites for this tournament, the Sidecharacters, and are now in the finals for the first time in the history of this tournament!
Frank: In the right dugout, we have the up-and-coming team Villains, who have managed to slaughter their way through to the finals with sheer force of will and a ruthlessness bordering on insanity, which is exactly what this tournament promotes!
Ouch...my head hurts...what’s with all the shouting? Wait a minute...what the hell am I doing in a stadium? This is insane, there are so many people around here! The last thing I remember was sleeping in my bedroom, and...
Furukawa Akio: Hey there! You, the sleepy one...yeah, that’s right, I’m talking to you!
Hang on a second, isn’t that Furukawa Akio? What the hell is he doing here? And why is he coming all the way here with a baseball bat and that mad gleam in his eye?
Thwack! Hey, stop rapping me with the bat, damn it!
Me: Yes, yes, what is it? I’m wide awake, wide awake!
Furukawa: Take this! Go out there and practice a few times, or else I’ll have you eat some of Sanae’s bread! What’s your name, anyway?
My name? True, I don’t really know what my name is...maybe I should give him some the most exotic name I can think of...
Me: My name’s Herrick...yeah, that’s right, Herrick.
Furukawa: What kind of name is that? Ah, whatever...get your ass over there and do a few practice swings...I have to get ready to pitch...
I walk over to the side of the dugout and sit down where Furukawa Akio can’t see me. I take stock of my situation: It seems that I’ve been caught up in some kind of baseball game, with people like Furukawa Akio...in fact, taking a look around, it seems that I’m surrounded by lots of people I know: that’s Edward Elric over there, isn’t it? Hmm...okay, so something very weird has happened here.
Hang on: If my last memory was that of sleeping, then this must be a dream! But...uh...I seem to be quite wide awake. I guess that this must be one of those dreams where you have to help your team win or something before it lets you out. Well then, I guess this means that I’ve got to win this baseball tournament!
Frank: So we begin the Final Game of the Tournament, starting with the Heroes’ Pitcher, Furukawa Akio stepping onto the mound! The Heroes’ talismanic Captain and Caterer, Furukawa’s the man to beat in this match! Let’s see who comes to face him in this first inning...it’s none other than the Death Metal God from Hell, Krauser II! Let’s hear what he has to say!
Krauser: Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!...
What the hell? Even Krauser is here! What kind of cracked up dream is this? Ah well...I guess as long as I help my team win, I’ll get the hell out of here! Looks like the first match is between Furukawa Akio and the Death Metal God Krauser...a mismatch if I ever saw one...
Frank: Hmm...I see that the Death God is especially eloquent today! Well, we’ll see what Hell’s power can do against the Bread-Baking Hero! The two of them take the stage!
Furukawa: Hey punk, have a taste of my one-meter dropping Forkball!
Herrick: Go be a pro, damn it!
Furukawa throws the ball, and HOLY SHIT, IT REALLY DOES DROP ONE METER. WHAT KIND OF BASEBALL ARE WE PLAYING HERE? The ball looks like it crashed smack-dab into the shortstop’s hands...but why the hell is Krauser on the ground, writhing? Don’t tell me the ball hit him? That’s pretty serious! I don’t know what kind of things can happen in this dream...maybe he really is seriously injured.
On closer inspection, it looks Krauser’s chewing on his bat...hang on, that’s not a bat, that’s A GUITAR? DON’T TELL ME THAT’S –
Frank: Look, it’s Krauser’s TEETH GUITAR!
Herrick: YOU’RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?
DMC Fan: GO TO DMC! GO TO DMC! GO TO DMC!...
Okay, this is a lot more screwed up than I could imagine...well, it looks like Krauser’s still doing his Teeth Guitar thing, and the referee says play on, so...Furukawa lets fly yet another one of his one meter dropping forkballs.
Referee: Strike Two! Strike Three! Batter Out!
Frank: It seems that Krauser’s Teeth Guitar has failed against Furukawa’s Pitching, and the Heroes have one out this inning! Perhaps the next batter can change the flow of the game! Out of the dugout comes...Mr. Don! The American Football genius...what the heck is he doing playing baseball? Can he even play? Well, we shall see how this turns out!
Mr. Don? Isn’t he the guy from that comic I read a few days ago? Holy smoke, this dream isn’t puling any punches here...anyway, it looks like Furukawa’s going to let fly once more...and there it goes. It’s a fastball this time, and HOLY SMOKES, IT LOOKS LIKE IT’S GOING AT 400KMPH.
Herrick: Go be a pro, damn it!
...Actually, I don’t think I should be surprised anymore. This is obviously not a normal dream. But maybe I should be surprised at the fact that Mr. Don ACTUALLY HIT THAT DAMN THING.
Frank: And the ball flies high into the air...wait, no! The ball has disintegrated!
Herrick: What? You mean the ball blew up?! How the hell is that possib – oh wait. Never mind.
Furukawa: Hey, you bastard! How the hell are we going to play now? You just destroyed one of the only balls we have in this stadium!
Herrick: You only have ONE ball in the ENTIRE stadium?
Furukawa: Shut up, Herrick, I had to cut costs!
Mr. Don: It’s so sad...this country can’t even begin to compete with the wealth of America!
Frank: Indeed, this is a predicament. Let’s see if our ball boys can calm Furukawa’s nerves...alright, it seems that they can’t. Hang on a moment...someone’s coming out from the Villain’s dugout. It’s one of their outfielders, Nrvnqsr Chaos (Nero Chaos, for short). It looks like he’s passing something over to Furukawa...
Even Nero Chaos is here? Looks like this dream isn’t open to just manga and anime then. Well, it looks like he’s just passed something to Furukawa...I wonder what it is?
Nero: This is a baseball made out of one of my 666 beasts! It is indestructible!
Furukawa: Ooh, sweet! Thanks mate, I’ll take this...ready to go, Mr. Don?
Frank: Well, it looks like the baseball problem’s been solved...let’s continue with the game!
Since that problem’s been solved, I should probably think of how to beat Mr. Don if I ever have to go up against him...it looks like Furukawa’s going to throw another one of those insane fastballs again. Well, I doubt that Mr. Don can hit this one, because...HE DID IT AGAIN. I can see the ball flying high into the air, coming down into the left outfield! Meanwhile, Mr. Don is running.
Mr. Don: Oh, it’s so sad! Even the opposing team’s captain can’t do anything against the power of America!
Furukawa: Just shut up, will you?
Meanwhile, I’m looking at the ball come down into the outfield. One of the outfielders is coming to get it...isn’t that Allen Walker? What the hell is an exorcist doing in a sports manga? Anyway, he’s running for the ball and – wait, he’s just awoken his Akuma Eye...what’s he planning to do?
Allen Walker: Holy smokes...that’s going pretty far. I think it’ll make a home run. But wait...what’s this? There’s an Akuma in the ball! It’s got a demonic presence around it! I must destroy it!
Herrick: Holy shit, don’t tell me...
But true enough, Allen fires his giant broadsword at the ball, obliterating and purifying it! There’s a flash of green light, and the ball explodes into a million pieces! So what happens now? The ball has been completely destroyed!
Frank: Well, according to the rules of this baseball tournament, if a ball gets destroyed, all runners on base proceed further by one base. So this means that Mr. Don has moved onto the second base! Let’s see what the players have to say.
Mr. Don: Oh, it’s so sad!
Herrick: Just shut up already!
Furukawa: Walker! How many times have I told you, NO INNOCENCE ON THE FIELD!
Allen: I’m sorry, Sir! But there really was an Akuma in the ball!
Furukawa: Stop joking around! Hurry up and get back to your position while I see off this next batter.
Speaking of which...who IS the next batter? Aren’t stadiums like this supposed to have boards that tell you who is going to bat next? Maybe this is another one of those costs that Furukawa cut. Anything, looking up, I see that the next batter is...Sunohara Youhei?!
Herrick: What the hell are you doing on the team?!
Furukawa: Aren’t you that useless guy who failed to do anything?
Sunohara: Hey, don’t look down on me! I can play basedall, okay!
Herrick: It’s baseball...
Sunohara: Whatever, come on, I’ll beat the crap outta you!
Well...whatever. If Sunohara’s on the opposing team, then this can only get easier, right? Furukawa launches another fastball, sending Sunohara sprawling to the ground in the shockwave!
Sunohara: How the hell am I supposed to hit that? You’re crazy, old man!
For once, I actually feel for Sunohara...anyway, that was strike one...Furukawa goes at it again, and it’s strike two! Wow...this is incredibly easy for Furukawa. Anyway, Sunohara gets up, and readies to swing. Furukawa winds up, and – WAIT, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? Something just flew over the top of my head and smashed right smack into Sunohara’s stomach!
Sunohara: !!! What the hell is this? A dictionary? Hang on, this is familiar...KYOU, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, YOU BIT –
Wham! That’s gotta hurt, another one of those dictionaries just slammed into his face! It looks like the paramedics are going to have to take him off the pitch...
Herrick: Just what the hell was with the dictionary? Geez, this is getting weirder and weirder.
Frank: This is quite unusual, even in this Insane Baseball Tournament. What’s the referee’s decision going to be? It looks like he’s called an out! Sunohara is struck out! So that makes two outs for the Villains, with only one runner on base!
Hmm...I’m not very sure of the rules for baseball, but I think that if we get another out, then this inning is over! And then maybe I’ll get out of this crazy dream! Anyway, we’ll have to see who’s going to come out of the dugout to take up the batter’s position...Oh no! It’s the worst possible person, Johnson! Unlike the rest of the people around here, this guy is actually a real baseball player!
Everyone: SAY WHAT?!
Why is everyone surprised at that? And perhaps more importantly, HOW COME EVERYONE CAN READ MY MIND? Well, this is a dream, after all. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.
Johnson: That’s right, Furukawa! I’m the world’s fastest base runner...there’s no way you can defeat me! With my run that lasts the entirety of 2.60 seconds, I will defeat you and your miserable 400kmph fastball!
Furukawa: Don’t count your dreadlocks before they’re combed, you damned dreads!
And so, Furukawa takes a shot, flinging his fastball at Johnson, blitzing to the shortstop at all of 400kmph! I pray that Johnson doesn’t hit it...come on, man, then I get out of this crazy dream as fast as I can! There’s a sudden cracking sound and...argh! It is just as I feared! Johnson makes a bunt, forcing the ball down as he makes his lightning-fast run to first base.
The ball bounces on the ground, kicking up sand. It looks like it’s rolling towards the left infielder, but he’s not moving! Come on, at this rate, not only will Johnson manage to reach first base, but Mr. Don will be able to reach third base as well!
Herrick: Come on! Why aren’t you getting the ball!
As if there was a magic in my words, the ball suddenly bounces straight at the left infielder, who catches it deftly without looking! It looks like I’m not the only guy who’s shocked at this: Johnson is looking with wide eyes at the left infielder, and doesn’t see that he’s going to crash into the wall!
Johnson: OH SHITE!!
With a loud smack, Johnson crashes! The left infielder only smiles...hang on, I think I recognise that guy...isn’t he Pain? What’s he doing here? In fact, maybe I should be asking what the hell he’s doing on the Heroes’ Team!
Pain: Haha, with my ability to attract and repel objects, there is no way your mere 2.60 second run is going to steal any bases. Can you feel my pain now?
Johnson: Argh! Where the hell did this wall come from? There isn’t supposed to be a wall in the middle of the batter’s box and first base!
Well, it looks like I’m safe for now! Pain’s managed to distract Johnson and get Mr. Don out at the same time! Speaking of which, where IS Mr. Don? Isn’t he supposed to be somewhere over...THERE?!
Herrick: Hey Pain! LOOK OUT!
Mr. Don: It’s too sad!
Pain: Heh, didn’t I say? My ability includes repulsion, and so...OOMPH!
With a thundering crash, Mr. Don lays the smackdown on Pain, hurtling the poor guy to the ground with a sickening crunch!
Herrick: Aren’t rugby tackles banned in baseball?!
Frank: Of course not! Anything goes in Insane Baseball!
Mr. Don: It’s so sad...you failed to take into account the fact that I read WSJ as well! I know that you have to wait at least 5 seconds before the ability activates again, and with my 40 yards dash under 5 seconds...there is no way you can win! Are you feeling the pain now?
Pain: I’ll say...ack!
Wow...it looks serious...I guess even ninjas aren’t generally prepared for America-styled Football tackles! Well, the paramedics are taking him off the pitch, but Furukawa is celebrating! All right! It looks like I can finally go home now! So I’m just going to wait here until something funny happens...like that robot over there.
Funny-looking robot: Hey there, Herrick! Sorry mate, but you can’t go back just yet.
Herrick: Who the hell are you? And why the hell aren’t I going home just yet?
Funny-looking robot: Well, in answer to your first question, I’m the Gundam 00, Trans-Am and Twin Drives included! No batteries though. And yes, you can’t go home just yet because the game hasn’t ended yet!
Herrick: A Gundam? But I’ve never watched Gundam before! And anyway, I thought we just beat the Villains by crushing them easily!
Gundam 00: Nope, unfortunately not. You see, this is just the first inning. Normal baseball has nine innings, and even Little League baseball has six innings! But don’t worry Insane Baseball, due to the insanity of the players involved, has only three innings! So you only have to go through another two and half innings before you go back. And you must win, of course.
Herrick: You’re kidding me! I’m supposed to stay through another five rounds of this, and win before I get to back home? This is insane!
Gundam 00: This is what this version of baseball is all about, anyway. Oh and yes, it’s a good point you’ve made. You’ve never watched Gundam before, right? Well, it’s true that only characters that you actually know are in this dream, but I’m not from your dream. I’ve actually been sent from Jarrel’s dream to aid you!
Herrick: ...I can’t escape him even in my dreams. This is TERRIBLE. Ah well...you’ll be helping me, right? Well...another two and half innings...how difficult can it get?
...
...
Tune in next time to find out what happens to Herrick and the Gundam 00 as they try and fight their way through a cracked-up dream and a game of seriously insane baseball!
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